he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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