I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
