She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
