It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
