He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
