I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i came on her dog
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
