____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
