Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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