I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
