my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
