birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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