she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize