My underwear smells like fireworks.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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