Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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