Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
