i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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