This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
