you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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