Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
