That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
