genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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