my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
