My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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