I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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