Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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