haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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