he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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