Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I supernannyed him into submission
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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