mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
