Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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