So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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