god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
