I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
