I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
