Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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