What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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