omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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