I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
