I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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