Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i was born a porn star she said
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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