dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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