I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize