Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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