I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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