this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
im six kinds of drunk right now
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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