Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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