How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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