dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
