Duck Duck Cougar?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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