kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize