Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You can't just leave with hair like that
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
