i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
