i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
