I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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