just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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