what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
