He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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