whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
