Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
