the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
40s are totally the cure
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
