only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
