I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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