I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
