Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I am available for nakedness
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
