my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
