Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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