she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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