I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I didn't shave. On purpose
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize