Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
