I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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