I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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